A chance meeting

I meet someone recently.. Or should I say he meet me ;)

He sent me a note that stated he was interested in me and I responded as I was interested in him. Now we begin the journey of discovery...

I realize now that in the past I was not honest with myself in the beginning and as I discovered more I liked less.

When the benefits outweighed the pain.. I left. I could have saved myself years with honesty.

I am being 100% honest and truthful with myself and him.
I have the capacity to love. I choose to love, I know how to love.

I want to love my mate with the unconditional love found in few relationships.
***** DISCLAIMER**** I AM IN NO WAY SUPPORTING UNDERAGE RELATIONSHIPS OR RELATIONSHIPS BETWEEN PERSONS OF RELATIONS***

As a mother I love my children with unfaltering dedication and support. I love them and would do all within my power to protect them. All decision I make are with them in mind and putting them first. I have been a mother for 18 years. I am good at this. I only know how to function like this.

What I recently learned though is putting me first is Putting them first. My health physically, mentally, physically, emotionally, financially, and spiritually all need to be balanced for me to be a smooth running machine.

I am taking those same principles and using them in my personal life. I know how to love unconditionally I do it all the time.

I know how to forgive and forget. I do it every day!

I know how to teach others how to treat me! I do it every day!

I know how to hold my temper, count my words, and play nice. I do it every day!

There are no excuses why I should not apply those same principles through out my entire life. Especially my personal/romantic/love arena.

Are you holding up your end of happiness?

I put mySELF last so that I may become 1st.

I have a very selfish steak tucked away some where very deep and embedded inside of me. I truly believe that I am priceless and very important.I am not crazy nor am I naive.. I temper that statement with a addendum. I am priceless and very important to a FEW people in this world, and that is just fine with me. I only desire to hold value with many but to be considered priceless I only need a few, those I consider family.

I am learning that I lived in a place where most if not all of my actions were geared towards the gaining of a need I felt I had. Why I did this was because I felt that there was NO ONE ELSE to care for my needs. I was married 2 times and in both of those marriages I learned before I married them that I lacked trust in them to care for me how I needed to be cared for. I stayed because I was afraid of not having anything instead I settled for a bunch of things I did not need... Which is still not having anything..

I am grateful for the experiences in hindsight but it HURT.

How do I do better... I am listening to myself. That means when I feel a feeling lets say FEAR.. I address it instead of ignoring it. I ask my self a few questions

1. Why am I afraid
2. Will this thing I am afraid of hurt me physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually?
3. If the answer is yes to any of those questions then I ask HOW do I either minimize or eliminate the harm. We can not always eliminate a thing in our lives... But we can control and minimize the impact we allow it to have upon our existence.
4. It is either a YES or a NO.. If it is NOT a YES it is a NO...STOP complicating things.
5.  I Stop ASSUMING and take what is CLEARLY given, stated, or offered. (See #4) Its the old saying actions speak louder then words..

Very recently I came to see that I will have a man that has very high standards and expectations and for me to desire that man I must be willing to meet those expectations. In putting myself last by focusing on the needs of those I love I allow others around me to do the same.

What I am doing is being BRAVE.  I am allowing myself to be vulnerable. I am allowing myself to TRUST, I am allowing others around me to do the same. I am leading by example the behaviors I expect others to portray in my world.

 I am embracing the old sayings. Practice what you preach and Lead by example.

If it is my desire to have a husband and mate who is sacrificing by putting his wife and his children and family before himself shouldn't I be willing to meet his needs as well? Now before anyone argues the point of what if his needs are not your needs or some such other tangent let me state this disclaimer..

I would not enter into a relationship of marriage without having my core values meet. PERIOD there are some hard lines that I have learned are not negotiable.

Being 1st, the most valued, and priceless in some one's life is NOT negotiable. :)
Jami